


Lose control

by disenchantedkobrakid



Series: Tangled In The Great Escape [2]
Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: 1950s, Emotional, Fucked Up, Intense, Kissing, LGBTQ Character, Las Vegas, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, POV Brendon Urie, Post-World War II, Psychological Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:19:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22584691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disenchantedkobrakid/pseuds/disenchantedkobrakid
Summary: Chapter 14 of Cupid's Chokehold from Brendon's POV.
Relationships: Ryan Ross/Brendon Urie, Sarah Orzechowski/Brendon Urie, Z Berg/Ryan Ross
Series: Tangled In The Great Escape [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625095
Kudos: 4





	Lose control

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone,  
> as promised here comes the extra chapter from Brendon's POV.  
> I highly suggest reading the fanfiction first, otherwise you won't really understand what's going on.  
> I hope you enjoy this, maybe see it as a compensation for how the story has ended!  
> X, Gwen.

„You know Ryan a little bit, don’t you?” Sarah asked me as we were sitting on the table, each of us pursuing our own business stuff. I nodded placing a poker face on my face because ‘a little bit’ was probably the biggest understatement of the decade. But Sarah would never get to know that.  
“Well, you know that Z’s been absent from work for quite some time now and she will be for a while longer. It’s apparently a family emergency or something, don’t ask me.” I wondered if that was true. Ryan never really told me anything about Z but I couldn’t help but feel that there was something else going on. But how could I blame him considering that there were so many things I didn’t tell him either.  
“So, what do you plan to do?” I eventually asked even though my thoughts were cruising about everything but business stuff in that moment. “Offer her an unpaid break or maybe even a paid one? How long is she actually supposed to be missing?” I looked at Sarah who looked stressed but I felt like that wasn’t just because of the organizational stuff we had to do way too often – being the boss was a hard thing.  
“I don’t know, I actually wanted to talk to her about that.” Sarah finally claimed and that was when I got the probably most stupid idea ever. But I was always there for stupid ideas. Hell, I was the master of them. “Let’s visit them then.” “What? You mean today?” Sarah asked perplex and I shrugged. “Yeah sure, why not right now?”  
Sarah shook her head in an attempt to conceal her laugh but I saw it anyways. “You’re unbelievable. We can’t just appear in front of their house in order to talk about business stuff. We don’t even know if they’re going to be home.” “Oh, they will.” I replied definitely because Z and Ryan would be home. That was for sure. I knew that Ryan usually slept at this time or he would just wake up now and Z would also be there since she wasn’t at work at the moment.  
I stood up and approached Sarah who was still pretending to read the file in front of her but I saw the smirk on her face as I tickled her at one side until she eventually turned around giggling. And then she stood up too and kissed me until neither of us felt like giggling anymore.  
Even though I didn’t want to, every time I was kissing Sarah I started comparing her and Ryan which I had never done with Dallon because when I had kissed the tall guy I had either been too drunk to remember it or it actually hadn’t been that significant for me.  
But something about Ryan was different. I had only slowly realized that but when the realization had eventually kicked in it had been a huge moment. Because I had kissed guys before - Dallon and also others. I had kissed so many before but it had never been as it was with Ryan. And that was what was frightening me the most.  
I always had a plan. I always knew what to do but when it was about Ryan I had no idea. Though somehow I knew that going to the house of the guy who was changing everything for me and thinking about him while kissing my wife definitely wasn’t one of my brighter moments.  
And when Sarah and I broke the kiss and she nodded I knew that all of this could only end in a major disaster. “Let’s go now.” I said again and this time she didn’t complain. Of course there was other stuff both of us needed to do but suddenly driving to Ryan’s house seemed to be the most important thing in the world. At least for me.  
I knew that it was a bad idea. Not just because we had kissed each other and because we would be together in one room with our wives. Even more because I had already exposed much too much of myself towards the other guy and I knew that I wouldn’t stop myself from doing that even more around him.  
I didn’t even know how to feel. I didn’t know what this thing between us was and it scared the shit out of me.  
Eventually Sarah left the living room and I followed her breathing in deeply. Why did I even want to do that knowing that it would just be an awkward situation between Ryan and me? Maybe I was weary of life.  
I got upstairs to change my clothes because I was still wearing the ones I had slept in and decided that I’d wear a suit again. That was something I usually did and Sarah wouldn’t be surprised. And maybe, just maybe, I wanted to impress Ryan somehow.  
Even though I owned so many I usually wore the same two ones all the time and sometimes the golden one, but the latter only to special occasions. It definitely would’ve been too much now so I went for my usual black one.  
Sarah was already dressed, waiting downstairs and not changing her expression when I came back looking as fancy as always. At some point of my life I had decided that I simply liked to wear a suit because I liked the vibe one got when seeing a person wearing one. One immediately thought about a special occasion or at least that they were doing something important. Not that I was important in any way.  
I had always wanted to be rich and in one way or another famous. Actually, I had wanted to become a singer in the first place but that hadn’t worked out quite like I had wanted it to. And now that I was a person most people in Las Vegas knew the name of and had more money than most people could ever dream of, it didn’t feel nearly as good as I had imagined it would. But that was how it was with most things in life: People wanted everything and still weren’t happy when they got it.  
I had needed a long time to finally realize that and now that I had it didn’t change anything anymore. I was stuck in this thing called my life and there wasn’t even approximately a way out.  
Eventually we got to the car which James – our servant – had already parked in front of the house. He was about my age and of course he was British. I quite liked that cliché.  
That was another thing I had always fancied: Having servants. I had always thought that being served would be a really great thing and in some aspects it was but I had never considered the negative sides. They were also people who needed to be paid and even worse they got to know so much about you. Things you actually didn’t want them to know but they still caught because they were operating in the house you live in.  
One part of me wanted to go back to Utah where I had been a humble Mormon boy still living with his family. But I knew that I never would’ve been happy being a Mormon. When I had been little I had tried to believe in the religion I had been born in. I had done everything just like my parents and older siblings had but it had always felt wrong. It had always felt like I was playing a role and that was actually what I had done for seventeen years.  
And then I had left my sheltered home and I had moved to the other end of the city. Neither of them had cared, not really. And when I had started working in a casino I had met Sarah and everything had changed all over again. My 19th year of age had probably been the best and the worst of my life.  
I had had to become an independent person so quickly and that had been so damn hard. I had lived alone in a small decomposed apartment and I had had to learn so much. Sometimes I had thought that it’d be impossible and that I’d actually crawl back to my family. But I hadn’t.  
But then Spencer had moved to Las Vegas too and we had started to get closer again having the best time of our lives. And Sarah had been the most precious gift ever. Everything was supposed to be perfect. I was an independent men, even richer than my family could every dream of being. I basically had it all: much money, a great job and an amazing wife. I had it all but still it didn’t feel like it.  
And as I was cruising through the streets of Las Vegas approaching Ryan’s house I got an idea why that might be the case.  
When I finally stopped in front of it I was maybe a little bit nervous because it would be the first time after I had said that it hadn’t just been a kiss for me that I would see Ryan. And to be honest, I didn’t even know what exactly my statement meant. I only knew that it really had been more than just a casual kiss between us.  
As I was trying to conceal my anxiety from Sarah we eventually approached the house, she walking first and I following. And then she actuated the bell and my heart stopped beating for a second only to continue beating five times as fast immediately after.  
It was Z who eventually opened the door and when I saw her I let out the air I had unconsciously held before. But then I really looked at her and realized that she looked worse than Ryan and I would ever be able to combined. Not that Ryan Ross looked bad, no, it was the complete opposite. Ryan looked incredibly hot in a way he didn’t even know he did. He didn’t try to look good, he just did and that was something I had always envied him for.  
I had always tried to look good, I had always had to put an effort to do so but Ryan just did naturally. Z also looked amazing on the outside but it was clearly visible that she wasn’t in her best state internally.  
Having ADHD I had early in my life realized what it meant to have some kind of disorder. There were many things I hadn’t managed to do in school but I had quickly realized how it felt to have a different state of mind and to not always feel great. And looking at Z now only confirmed for me that her absence from work wasn’t just because of some family emergency.  
She smiled at us while saying “Come in.” but the smile didn’t reach her eyes. And then she turned around and led us to the kitchen where neither of us even considered sitting down. Z didn’t offer us anything to drink or eat but I didn’t blame her for it because she certainly thought that she would be fired now and I wouldn’t have wanted anything to eat anyways.  
Maybe it was the way both of us looked – it probably was – that she hadn’t even considered this being a friendly visit. Because that was what we kind of were – friends. I knew that Z and Sarah had met up sometimes but I also knew that Sarah was very strict about separating work and private stuff and Z had certainly realized that already.  
As for myself, I definitely wasn’t that strict about separating the two fields for obvious reasons and I couldn’t even tell what Ryan and I were at this point. We weren’t friends but we weren’t lovers either. That would just be too ridiculous. Not after we had only kissed each other – well – two times.  
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize that both women were looking at me expectantly and when I finally did it was already embarrassing to ask what the question has been. “We were talking about offering Z a paid break but she’ll only get half of the money she usually gets. You certainly agree with that, don’t you?” Sarah explained and I nodded. “Sounds fair to me.” And then I added. “How much longer are you going to be absent from work actually?”  
Z tried to keep the poker face we were all wearing on her face but I saw that it twitched for a second. It happened so fast that it was already back when I had realized it. “Approximately five weeks. It’s just… my mother really needs help and since I’m her only child there’s nobody else but me.” Z didn’t explain further what kind of help her mother actually needed and neither me nor Sarah asked her because that would’ve been inappropriate but then, I definitely didn’t believe Z. There was something else going on and I knew it.  
“Well, I’m sure that everything will be back to normal soon and when you come back you’ll get your usual salary again. Don’t worry, we certainly won’t fire you.” I smiled at her nicely and Z nodded relieved. I didn’t just want to not fire her because Ryan and I had been blackmailing each other. At this point it was so much more than just stupid blackmailing. I had started to deeply care about Ryan Ross and therefore also about Z Berg because the latter was his wife. And I knew that whatever problems they had, they wouldn’t be solved by us firing Z.  
“We’re going to find someone else for the time that you’re absent. It… we’ll manage it.” I had wanted to say that it would be easy because it certainly would be. Many people desired a job in the hotel and casino industry so it wouldn’t be hard to find a replacement but telling Z that would’ve made it seem as if she wasn’t needed at all which wasn’t true.  
There was an uncomfortable silence for a few seconds until there was a loud noise which I couldn’t really identify first but then I turned around shocked to see Ryan standing there. He was wearing his usual everyday clothes but they looked knitted as if he had slept in them which he probably had. There was still a rest of sleep in his eyes but that quickly disappeared as we were looking at each other.  
I had known that Ryan was be here, hell, I had mainly come here because of him, but now that he was standing right in front of me I felt like an insecure teenage boy overwhelmed with the situation. We were looking at each other and my eyes wandered to his lips realizing that they were all chewed up. That was a nervous habit I had fortunately discarded years ago. I had always hated it but as I was watching Ryan nervously biting his lower lip now it seemed to be the most adorable thing in the world.  
I wondered what Ryan was thinking about what I had said days ago. I wondered how he had interpreted the words I didn’t even know how to interpret myself even though I had said them. I wondered what Ryan himself thought about me at this point or if he even thought about me at all. Maybe he didn’t care at all. Maybe that was all just a game. Maybe it was.  
But then I saw the desperate expression on his face and realized that it maybe wasn’t. Maybe this thing between us meant something to both of us even though I doubted that either of us would’ve been able to name what exactly was going on between us. Maybe nothing at all. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I didn’t know anything anymore.  
I saw how Ryan quickly looked at Z attempting to smile at her and there was something so sad laying in that smile that it almost broke my heart just looking at him. There was so much I wanted to know but I would never dare asking. I, Brendon Urie, who never had the problem to speak up suddenly didn’t know what to say.  
Nobody had said anything for approximately a minute so when Ryan finally spoke up asking “What are you doing here?” his voice sounded much louder than it probably was actually. He and Z were looking at each other again until she claimed “They came over because of my job. You know, because I’ve missed for so long already and because I will for some more.” I wondered if Ryan knew exactly what was going on with Z but considering how carefully he inspected her I guessed that he probably did.  
Eventually Ryan nodded looking at me again and I returned the look desperately not knowing how to act around the other guy. And when Ryan asked “Sarah, Z, could I maybe talk to Brendon for a second?” I knew that it would take all my strength to set one foot in front of the other to follow Ryan. How was it possible that I had kept my life together pretty well until this fucking guy had just casually decided it’d be a good idea to make everything collapse?  
Z and Sarah both nodded and attempted to leave the room but Ryan stopped them claiming that they could stay in the kitchen because we would go for a walk. Would we? It sounded like a suggestion but somehow I managed to nod breathing in and eventually following Ryan out of the kitchen. It was hard. Walking was so hard, why had I never realized that before.  
Setting one foot in front of the other certainly was an art of its own and suddenly I started to wonder how most people managed to do that so easily. Sure, there were disabled persons – and suddenly I felt like one of them – but most people actually walked without being overstretched. They just did it and now this felt like a miracle to me.  
Ryan grabbed the keys from the cubboard standing near the door and I left the house inhaling the fresh but pleasant air deeply. It was a grey day which I had always loved. Most people preferred summer and sunshine but I had always adored rain and a grey sky which one could barely find in Las Vegas. This city certainly didn’t fit my weather preferences but somehow I had never even considered leaving.  
At some point I realized that Ryan was smiling at me and I felt awkward, eventually laughing it off and asking “What’s so funny?” Nothing about this situation was funny and Ryan seemed to realize that too because his smile instantly disappeared. I wanted to kiss Ryan but I didn’t even know if he wanted it too. Plus, we were standing in front of his house, completely exposed for the public.  
At some point Ryan started to walk in one direction so I followed him because there was nothing else I would’ve done. Indeed, it was awkward between us but I wanted to know what exactly was going on. I wanted to know how this day would proceed with the two of us being alone, with Z and Sarah being in the house not having a clue of what was going on. Not that I knew myself.  
Eventually it started pouring and soon our clothes were completely soaked up with water so I actually started freezing. And then Ryan dragged me under a bridge as if he would try to keep us safe from the rain even though that wasn’t effective anymore since we were already wet to the bone.  
I looked at him again and that was when I just couldn’t hold back the question any longer. “What are we doing here?” I doubted that Ryan had an answer for that himself but I was desperate. This situation could mean everything but it also could mean nothing. Probably for the first time since we had met each other Ryan knew a little bit more about me than I knew about him because I had been stupid enough to show him too much of myself.  
His cheeks were red because of the coldness and the rain and maybe also because we were standing so close in front of each other which made it way too hard to breathe for me. “Ryan, what’s wrong?” I eventually added quietly. So quiet that he would barely understand my words but I knew that he had because he shook his head. Ryan didn’t say anything, he just shook his fucking head and I wanted to grab him, kiss him, devour him, fuck him.  
And then I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. It was just too much. Too much intense eye contact, too much closeness, too many touches. With a definite “Fuck it!” I closed the tiny gap between us letting my lips crash on his with such an intensity that I almost blacked out. Ryan immediately started kissing me back with the same fire and I felt like my lips would be burnt afterwards.  
My whole body was cold but then there were his hot lips burning me, devouring me and I was doing the same. There was no hesitating this time and suddenly I knew for sure that I also meant something to Ryan. I doubted that either of us knew what exactly this thing between us was but that was the moment we subconsciously both acknowledged that it was something. Something that went beyond kissing when we were drunk.  
And when I felt Ryan’s hard cock I almost collapsed under the bridge because that was much too much. Knowing that I was the one causing his erection was more than I was able to handle in that moment but I still managed to somehow. We were both so horny but I didn’t plan to act on it. Not here, not now.  
To make everything even more unbearable I pressed myself even more against the other guy sliding my tongue into his mouth and then Ryan started messing up my hair like he loved to do – I had already realized the latter. And suddenly I didn’t care about anything anymore. I didn’t care that my wife and his wife were waiting in a house not that far away from that bridge. I didn’t care that someone could see us even though that would’ve been very unlikely considering that it was pouring. I didn’t care about time and place anymore.  
Eventually I got even braver and slid my cold hands under Ryan’s shirt which made him scream and I knew that that had been too much now. I had crossed a border I shouldn’t have crossed so everything would go back to being awkward between us. But then Ryan started laughing, saying “Fuck Brendon, that was too cold.” And I understood that I hadn’t made a mistake and that we could continue kissing each other eventually.  
We were both laughing but finally stopped, looking at each other seriously. I wanted – needed – to clear up things, otherwise I would’ve freaked out even more than I already was. So finally I stated “Neither of us is drunk.” as if being pumped with alcohol was the only excuse for doing this. And maybe it was. Maybe drinking alcohol made everything easier because now we couldn’t blame it on the latter anymore.  
Ryan shook his head but he didn’t seem disturbed. It was quite the opposite when he claimed “No, we aren’t.” And then I waited for something to happen. I waited for either Ryan or me myself to run away but when we were still standing there I knew that it was different this time.  
And then I said “Fuck it!” again kissing him like I had before, but it was different this time. Something major had changed, we both knew it and I was here for that. I had immediately thought that Ryan Ross was a fascinating person when I had met him months ago. There was something about him which I had found intriguing and still did but I never would’ve imagined that we would end up devouring each other like kissing the other person was an essential thing.  
Eventually Ryan slid his hands under my shirt, but more carefully than I had. Still, it was damn cold but I smiled against his lips as he discovered my body. Who would’ve thought that Ryan fucking Ross would be like that? His hands were wandering from my sides to my stomach and eventually touching the waistband of my trousers. But that was where he stopped, Ryan’s hands remaining there for a few seconds until he eventually removed them from my skin and started messing up my hair even more.  
I hated wet hair but I loved the feeling of Ryan’s hands messing it up. Our clothes were stuck on our bodies but neither of us cared because in this moment we could’ve been everywhere. Time and place didn’t matter and even less did the state our clothes were in.  
When we finally broke apart after what felt to have been an eternity, smiling at each other unconditionally I realized that it would never be the same. It would never be the same again between Ryan and me, between Sarah and me and with everything else. But that was a good thing. For once it was.  
“Wow.” Ryan just said and I wondered how he actually managed to find the strength to talk because I could barely keep standing. But internally I could only agree with him. I didn’t have any words for what had just happened.  
I knew that there were still so many things we would have to talk about. So many things were still unsaid between us but now wasn’t the time to talk. Now was the time to enjoy that precious moment because it would be over soon. The time flew by so fast, it was actually astonishing.  
Eventually I turned around walking back into the direction we had come from, knowing that Ryan would follow me. And then I realized that it had stopped raining at some point at that instead the sun had come out causing a great rainbow on the sky. What an irony.  
We were walking back to Ryan’s house without talking to each other but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, not this time. At some point I looked at Ryan from the side seeing that he was smiling and realizing that I was actually doing the same. We were both smiling like idiots and everyone who saw us in that moment certainly thought we were crazy. Two guys, wet to the bone, laughing like maniacs walking through the streets like there were no problems. Like we weren’t living in the goddamn fifties. Like our society wasn’t so fucked up not allowing two men to show affection towards each other. But I certainly wouldn’t think about that now.  
Eventually we reached the house breathing in deeply before Ryan took out his keys to open the door. I saw that his hands were shaking but I didn’t mention it as we slid into the hallway. I took off my shoes and decided to take off my jacket too because it was so soaked up with water. While doing that I felt Ryan’s eyes lay on me and as I turned around I saw him staring at me desperately.  
“You should stop looking at me like that, Ryan.” I finally said with a creaking voice and I meant it. If he continued looking at me like that I couldn’t guarantee for anything anymore and it definitely wasn’t the best idea to kiss Ryan while both our wives and his daughter were somewhere in the house.  
He attempted to reply but then we heard that someone was coming downstairs and shortly after Lizzy was standing in front of us, followed by Z and finally Sarah. All three of us were looking at us amused and I guessed that an amused expression was definitely better than a suspicious one.  
And when Lizzy said “You two look like the monsters from my book.” both Ryan and I couldn’t hold back the laughter any longer. We started laughing as if we hadn’t just cheated on our wives in a completely different way than we had before. We started laughing like we wouldn’t have to act like none of this had happened around everyone else. We started laughing as if there weren’t any problems. We started laughing as if we were free.


End file.
